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There had been a time where all Essa could dream of was making her appearance at Court. She would watch her mother and then her sister prepare, adorning themselves with splendor. They always returned energized, with stories to share. She had longed for the day when she could join them.
Unfortunately, when her time came, she found the reality was far more grim than she dreamed. The preparation had been delightful and at last she was able to ready herself alongside her family. Her heart had been so full that first day. Then she had spent the entire time trailing behind her mother, being introduced and then promptly ignored. She was still seen as young and empty-headed. Unlike her sister, she couldn’t just interject her thoughts whenever she desired.
The crowds of people speaking, their voices overlapped, their opinions conflicting. It overwhelmed her. But surely, that was simply inexperience, and she would adapt.
Yet each time she attended, she found a new reason to feel uncomfortable. She hated to attach herself to a family member, always feeling like a burden that contributed nothing and surely a disappointment as well. If she ventured off on her own, then inevitably there came the patronizing remarks, as though she were a stupid child incapable of offering anything of value. Then there were all the backhanded remarks - compliments that were insults and the like. For a girl as soft-hearted and genuine as Essa, those were difficult to endure.
So she always ended up off to the side, alone, observing, but as always, separated. She felt as though she’d been an outsider her whole life. Court was supposed to change that, not reinforce it. Moreover, how was she ever going to find love if she couldn’t seem to make an introduction or hold a conversation.
Perhaps she simply wasn’t the sort of woman that could attract men. Much as she craved romance in her life, perhaps she truly was as plain and pitiful a creature as had been suggested. After all, none had seemed to notice her, even when she stood before them.
Imeeya kept insisting she simply needed to do it - throw herself into the crowd and socialize. She thought that Essa needed to be strategically befriending those who suited political alliances. It only frustrated the younger girl all the more. She wanted a genuine connection - not a carefully manipulated association. She knew her sister meant well, but her advice had done nothing to help.
She didn’t dare go to her mother. The last thing she wanted was to hear that she needed to be more like her sister. For all that Tythra and Imeeya clashed, they were very much cut from the same cloth. Essa felt as though she was made of a different fabric entirely. If they were a brightly colored silk, then she was a lightly tinted linen.
Essa couldn’t bear the reminder of how much she didn’t fit in with her only remaining family. She had become terribly aware of that fact at far too young an age, and the intensity of that knowledge had only sharpened over the years.
So the young girl turned to the one person she knew she could count on for advice - cousin Zanon. She knew nothing of what it was like to have a father. Hers had died right around the time she was born. He had never known her, nor she him. But from what she’d read in her stories, Zanon was as close to that as she was likely to get. Somehow, he was always the one she turned to when things just seemed too much for her to handle.
She walked through the familiar halls of the Kotas manor with purpose until she reached his study door. She hesitated slightly, knocking once before peeking her head in to be certain she was interrupting nothing important. Blessedly, he was not only there, but also alone.
“Zanon, if I have to hear one more time that I need to socialize more effectively at court, I swear I’m going to pull someone’s hair out,” she huffed as she took a seat in a nearby chair. Whether that hair would be her own or her sister’s was still to be determined.
“She just doesn’t understand. I’m not like her. I can’t just walk up to someone and blurt out whatever I’m thinking, consequences be damned. And she doesn’t have to fight against everyone’s assumptions. She looks just like Mama, and everyone knows she acts like her too. They at least take her seriously. Enough to listen even if they don't agree.”
Essa sighed heavily. “People take one look at me and assume I’m too young, too soft, too dumb. Like I’m just some delicate flower that exists merely to be seen and protected but has nothing to offer and will fall apart at the slightest breeze. How am I supposed to find the love of my life if I can’t even get people to hear or see me as more than a decoration?” Her head tipped forward to rest in her hands as her thoughts and emotions poured out of her in a hurry after being pent up for far too long.
“I’m a lost cause, aren’t I?”
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There had been a time where all Essa could dream of was making her appearance at Court. She would watch her mother and then her sister prepare, adorning themselves with splendor. They always returned energized, with stories to share. She had longed for the day when she could join them.
Unfortunately, when her time came, she found the reality was far more grim than she dreamed. The preparation had been delightful and at last she was able to ready herself alongside her family. Her heart had been so full that first day. Then she had spent the entire time trailing behind her mother, being introduced and then promptly ignored. She was still seen as young and empty-headed. Unlike her sister, she couldn’t just interject her thoughts whenever she desired.
The crowds of people speaking, their voices overlapped, their opinions conflicting. It overwhelmed her. But surely, that was simply inexperience, and she would adapt.
Yet each time she attended, she found a new reason to feel uncomfortable. She hated to attach herself to a family member, always feeling like a burden that contributed nothing and surely a disappointment as well. If she ventured off on her own, then inevitably there came the patronizing remarks, as though she were a stupid child incapable of offering anything of value. Then there were all the backhanded remarks - compliments that were insults and the like. For a girl as soft-hearted and genuine as Essa, those were difficult to endure.
So she always ended up off to the side, alone, observing, but as always, separated. She felt as though she’d been an outsider her whole life. Court was supposed to change that, not reinforce it. Moreover, how was she ever going to find love if she couldn’t seem to make an introduction or hold a conversation.
Perhaps she simply wasn’t the sort of woman that could attract men. Much as she craved romance in her life, perhaps she truly was as plain and pitiful a creature as had been suggested. After all, none had seemed to notice her, even when she stood before them.
Imeeya kept insisting she simply needed to do it - throw herself into the crowd and socialize. She thought that Essa needed to be strategically befriending those who suited political alliances. It only frustrated the younger girl all the more. She wanted a genuine connection - not a carefully manipulated association. She knew her sister meant well, but her advice had done nothing to help.
She didn’t dare go to her mother. The last thing she wanted was to hear that she needed to be more like her sister. For all that Tythra and Imeeya clashed, they were very much cut from the same cloth. Essa felt as though she was made of a different fabric entirely. If they were a brightly colored silk, then she was a lightly tinted linen.
Essa couldn’t bear the reminder of how much she didn’t fit in with her only remaining family. She had become terribly aware of that fact at far too young an age, and the intensity of that knowledge had only sharpened over the years.
So the young girl turned to the one person she knew she could count on for advice - cousin Zanon. She knew nothing of what it was like to have a father. Hers had died right around the time she was born. He had never known her, nor she him. But from what she’d read in her stories, Zanon was as close to that as she was likely to get. Somehow, he was always the one she turned to when things just seemed too much for her to handle.
She walked through the familiar halls of the Kotas manor with purpose until she reached his study door. She hesitated slightly, knocking once before peeking her head in to be certain she was interrupting nothing important. Blessedly, he was not only there, but also alone.
“Zanon, if I have to hear one more time that I need to socialize more effectively at court, I swear I’m going to pull someone’s hair out,” she huffed as she took a seat in a nearby chair. Whether that hair would be her own or her sister’s was still to be determined.
“She just doesn’t understand. I’m not like her. I can’t just walk up to someone and blurt out whatever I’m thinking, consequences be damned. And she doesn’t have to fight against everyone’s assumptions. She looks just like Mama, and everyone knows she acts like her too. They at least take her seriously. Enough to listen even if they don't agree.”
Essa sighed heavily. “People take one look at me and assume I’m too young, too soft, too dumb. Like I’m just some delicate flower that exists merely to be seen and protected but has nothing to offer and will fall apart at the slightest breeze. How am I supposed to find the love of my life if I can’t even get people to hear or see me as more than a decoration?” Her head tipped forward to rest in her hands as her thoughts and emotions poured out of her in a hurry after being pent up for far too long.
“I’m a lost cause, aren’t I?”
There had been a time where all Essa could dream of was making her appearance at Court. She would watch her mother and then her sister prepare, adorning themselves with splendor. They always returned energized, with stories to share. She had longed for the day when she could join them.
Unfortunately, when her time came, she found the reality was far more grim than she dreamed. The preparation had been delightful and at last she was able to ready herself alongside her family. Her heart had been so full that first day. Then she had spent the entire time trailing behind her mother, being introduced and then promptly ignored. She was still seen as young and empty-headed. Unlike her sister, she couldn’t just interject her thoughts whenever she desired.
The crowds of people speaking, their voices overlapped, their opinions conflicting. It overwhelmed her. But surely, that was simply inexperience, and she would adapt.
Yet each time she attended, she found a new reason to feel uncomfortable. She hated to attach herself to a family member, always feeling like a burden that contributed nothing and surely a disappointment as well. If she ventured off on her own, then inevitably there came the patronizing remarks, as though she were a stupid child incapable of offering anything of value. Then there were all the backhanded remarks - compliments that were insults and the like. For a girl as soft-hearted and genuine as Essa, those were difficult to endure.
So she always ended up off to the side, alone, observing, but as always, separated. She felt as though she’d been an outsider her whole life. Court was supposed to change that, not reinforce it. Moreover, how was she ever going to find love if she couldn’t seem to make an introduction or hold a conversation.
Perhaps she simply wasn’t the sort of woman that could attract men. Much as she craved romance in her life, perhaps she truly was as plain and pitiful a creature as had been suggested. After all, none had seemed to notice her, even when she stood before them.
Imeeya kept insisting she simply needed to do it - throw herself into the crowd and socialize. She thought that Essa needed to be strategically befriending those who suited political alliances. It only frustrated the younger girl all the more. She wanted a genuine connection - not a carefully manipulated association. She knew her sister meant well, but her advice had done nothing to help.
She didn’t dare go to her mother. The last thing she wanted was to hear that she needed to be more like her sister. For all that Tythra and Imeeya clashed, they were very much cut from the same cloth. Essa felt as though she was made of a different fabric entirely. If they were a brightly colored silk, then she was a lightly tinted linen.
Essa couldn’t bear the reminder of how much she didn’t fit in with her only remaining family. She had become terribly aware of that fact at far too young an age, and the intensity of that knowledge had only sharpened over the years.
So the young girl turned to the one person she knew she could count on for advice - cousin Zanon. She knew nothing of what it was like to have a father. Hers had died right around the time she was born. He had never known her, nor she him. But from what she’d read in her stories, Zanon was as close to that as she was likely to get. Somehow, he was always the one she turned to when things just seemed too much for her to handle.
She walked through the familiar halls of the Kotas manor with purpose until she reached his study door. She hesitated slightly, knocking once before peeking her head in to be certain she was interrupting nothing important. Blessedly, he was not only there, but also alone.
“Zanon, if I have to hear one more time that I need to socialize more effectively at court, I swear I’m going to pull someone’s hair out,” she huffed as she took a seat in a nearby chair. Whether that hair would be her own or her sister’s was still to be determined.
“She just doesn’t understand. I’m not like her. I can’t just walk up to someone and blurt out whatever I’m thinking, consequences be damned. And she doesn’t have to fight against everyone’s assumptions. She looks just like Mama, and everyone knows she acts like her too. They at least take her seriously. Enough to listen even if they don't agree.”
Essa sighed heavily. “People take one look at me and assume I’m too young, too soft, too dumb. Like I’m just some delicate flower that exists merely to be seen and protected but has nothing to offer and will fall apart at the slightest breeze. How am I supposed to find the love of my life if I can’t even get people to hear or see me as more than a decoration?” Her head tipped forward to rest in her hands as her thoughts and emotions poured out of her in a hurry after being pent up for far too long.
“I’m a lost cause, aren’t I?”
Normally he hated when his father and Vangelis were both gone, picking up the slack that was left behind by them always fell to himself and his mother and led to many sleepless nights. This time though, he was already finding it impossible to sleep and having something to do that occupied his time was a welcome blessing. If he was focusing on the various correspondences from Oreboa and the other provinces, he wasn't thinking about how Thea of Thanasi was living in his home now, how he had hit his favorite brother, ruined what relationship they had before the men had left for war. It always hurt to be left behind, even when he knew he would be nothing but a burden if he went.
He'd found a few strands of grey in his hair, that along with planning his son's descent into the mines, the pain in his leg, and the impending arrival of a second child, made him feel as if somehow he had aged a decade in a few weeks. The plan for the eldest of the next generation of Kotas men to begin his six month stint in the mines beneath the city was before him, and he was triple checking it before giving his seal of approval. If Evras had been in a less fragile state he would have brought it to her, but as she was on bed rest he would bring it to his mother instead. She had sent four sons into the mines and all had returned, so he trusted no one more than her to determine if the organization of how to keep Dion safe while beneath the surface looked appropriate.
A knock and familiar face peeking in were all the warning he had before his cousin entered the room in a flurry of limbs, skirts, and youthful huffing. Smiling as he set his papers aside, Zanon turned his full attention to Essa and let her simply speak. It seemed if he was reading things correctly the young girl was having trouble with her sister, perhaps her mother as well. Tythra and Imeeya were birds of a feather, very similar in temperament to his father and Vangelis, always looking ahead and sorting out their duties and with very little patience for any shyness or attitude that could be considered anything but practical. He was familiar with her annoyance, being the first odd bird out in his own family with more emotion and heart. It wasn't to say that he wasn't just as devoted and determined to do his duty whatever the cost, just that there was an emotional toll that he knew full well was not for everyone.
Waiting until she finished her rambling, Zan shook his head reached across the desk to pat her head as it fell into her hands. "You're no more lost cause than I am, Essie. It just takes people like us more time to get there. We can't all be like Imeeya and Vang and have personalities that command a room." He ruffled her hair and sat back with a groan as he stretched out his knee before him. "Just smile and nod through the lectures. It's what I did and I turned out fine. Love for people like us is a tricky thing."
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Normally he hated when his father and Vangelis were both gone, picking up the slack that was left behind by them always fell to himself and his mother and led to many sleepless nights. This time though, he was already finding it impossible to sleep and having something to do that occupied his time was a welcome blessing. If he was focusing on the various correspondences from Oreboa and the other provinces, he wasn't thinking about how Thea of Thanasi was living in his home now, how he had hit his favorite brother, ruined what relationship they had before the men had left for war. It always hurt to be left behind, even when he knew he would be nothing but a burden if he went.
He'd found a few strands of grey in his hair, that along with planning his son's descent into the mines, the pain in his leg, and the impending arrival of a second child, made him feel as if somehow he had aged a decade in a few weeks. The plan for the eldest of the next generation of Kotas men to begin his six month stint in the mines beneath the city was before him, and he was triple checking it before giving his seal of approval. If Evras had been in a less fragile state he would have brought it to her, but as she was on bed rest he would bring it to his mother instead. She had sent four sons into the mines and all had returned, so he trusted no one more than her to determine if the organization of how to keep Dion safe while beneath the surface looked appropriate.
A knock and familiar face peeking in were all the warning he had before his cousin entered the room in a flurry of limbs, skirts, and youthful huffing. Smiling as he set his papers aside, Zanon turned his full attention to Essa and let her simply speak. It seemed if he was reading things correctly the young girl was having trouble with her sister, perhaps her mother as well. Tythra and Imeeya were birds of a feather, very similar in temperament to his father and Vangelis, always looking ahead and sorting out their duties and with very little patience for any shyness or attitude that could be considered anything but practical. He was familiar with her annoyance, being the first odd bird out in his own family with more emotion and heart. It wasn't to say that he wasn't just as devoted and determined to do his duty whatever the cost, just that there was an emotional toll that he knew full well was not for everyone.
Waiting until she finished her rambling, Zan shook his head reached across the desk to pat her head as it fell into her hands. "You're no more lost cause than I am, Essie. It just takes people like us more time to get there. We can't all be like Imeeya and Vang and have personalities that command a room." He ruffled her hair and sat back with a groan as he stretched out his knee before him. "Just smile and nod through the lectures. It's what I did and I turned out fine. Love for people like us is a tricky thing."
Normally he hated when his father and Vangelis were both gone, picking up the slack that was left behind by them always fell to himself and his mother and led to many sleepless nights. This time though, he was already finding it impossible to sleep and having something to do that occupied his time was a welcome blessing. If he was focusing on the various correspondences from Oreboa and the other provinces, he wasn't thinking about how Thea of Thanasi was living in his home now, how he had hit his favorite brother, ruined what relationship they had before the men had left for war. It always hurt to be left behind, even when he knew he would be nothing but a burden if he went.
He'd found a few strands of grey in his hair, that along with planning his son's descent into the mines, the pain in his leg, and the impending arrival of a second child, made him feel as if somehow he had aged a decade in a few weeks. The plan for the eldest of the next generation of Kotas men to begin his six month stint in the mines beneath the city was before him, and he was triple checking it before giving his seal of approval. If Evras had been in a less fragile state he would have brought it to her, but as she was on bed rest he would bring it to his mother instead. She had sent four sons into the mines and all had returned, so he trusted no one more than her to determine if the organization of how to keep Dion safe while beneath the surface looked appropriate.
A knock and familiar face peeking in were all the warning he had before his cousin entered the room in a flurry of limbs, skirts, and youthful huffing. Smiling as he set his papers aside, Zanon turned his full attention to Essa and let her simply speak. It seemed if he was reading things correctly the young girl was having trouble with her sister, perhaps her mother as well. Tythra and Imeeya were birds of a feather, very similar in temperament to his father and Vangelis, always looking ahead and sorting out their duties and with very little patience for any shyness or attitude that could be considered anything but practical. He was familiar with her annoyance, being the first odd bird out in his own family with more emotion and heart. It wasn't to say that he wasn't just as devoted and determined to do his duty whatever the cost, just that there was an emotional toll that he knew full well was not for everyone.
Waiting until she finished her rambling, Zan shook his head reached across the desk to pat her head as it fell into her hands. "You're no more lost cause than I am, Essie. It just takes people like us more time to get there. We can't all be like Imeeya and Vang and have personalities that command a room." He ruffled her hair and sat back with a groan as he stretched out his knee before him. "Just smile and nod through the lectures. It's what I did and I turned out fine. Love for people like us is a tricky thing."
It was tiring, being the black sheep of the family. She loved them dearly, truly she did. But she was different in nearly every way possible. In looks, in temperament, in personality, in demeanor. The only thing she shared with her mother and sister was her intelligence, and even in that she stood apart from her family. She cared little for the politics and advancements that enthralled her sister’s attentions. It was stories that captured her interest - be they from the stories she read or tales regaled by those who lived them.
The comforting gesture of Zan’s hand atop her bowed head offered a quick relief - like removing the lid of a boiling pot. Combined with the affectionate use of his nickname for her, the tension of her body immediately lessened. He understood her struggle intimately, even if perhaps it was different still between brothers.
She looked up at him as he sat back with a groan. “Your leg?” she asked softly, knowing it sometimes bothered him, particularly as the weather grew wetter and colder.
Essa sighed softly. “I try. They’re relentless though. It always ends in them trying to get me to agree to some arrangement I have no interest in.” She leaned back in the chair herself, her gaze shifting towards the ceiling as she tried to gather her thoughts.
“You’re right. Love is different. And I want it more than anything. It just seems so far out of reach. As though it might as well be oceans away.” She straightened slightly, meeting his gaze once more. “And its more than that too. She actually has a list of people I should befriend. As if its just that simple!” She threw her hands in the air in frustration. “Is it so crazy to want to make an actual connection instead of thinking of everything as some strategic maneuver?”
That quickly faded to something more melancholy though. “She doesn’t understand - she can’t. They laugh at me, Zanon. They whisper and laugh and hide their insults behind a smile as if I’m too stupid to know what they’re doing. Even when Imeeya was young, no one thought her dumb. No one would have dared. But with me...” She gave a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make shallow judgements and backhanded compliments. I just want to be seen as more than some foolish child. But it’s like everyone has already made up their mind.”
She rubbed quickly at her eyes, knowing if she kept talking the tears would start. She hated that she was such a crybaby - being so weak unlike her family. Zanon would never fault her for it, but she didn’t want to worry him. Once she started crying, it was all people could seem to focus on. It was hard though, when she felt so hopeless.
“I don’t know what more to do or how to be different. Is it supposed to be so hard, or am I just broken?”
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It was tiring, being the black sheep of the family. She loved them dearly, truly she did. But she was different in nearly every way possible. In looks, in temperament, in personality, in demeanor. The only thing she shared with her mother and sister was her intelligence, and even in that she stood apart from her family. She cared little for the politics and advancements that enthralled her sister’s attentions. It was stories that captured her interest - be they from the stories she read or tales regaled by those who lived them.
The comforting gesture of Zan’s hand atop her bowed head offered a quick relief - like removing the lid of a boiling pot. Combined with the affectionate use of his nickname for her, the tension of her body immediately lessened. He understood her struggle intimately, even if perhaps it was different still between brothers.
She looked up at him as he sat back with a groan. “Your leg?” she asked softly, knowing it sometimes bothered him, particularly as the weather grew wetter and colder.
Essa sighed softly. “I try. They’re relentless though. It always ends in them trying to get me to agree to some arrangement I have no interest in.” She leaned back in the chair herself, her gaze shifting towards the ceiling as she tried to gather her thoughts.
“You’re right. Love is different. And I want it more than anything. It just seems so far out of reach. As though it might as well be oceans away.” She straightened slightly, meeting his gaze once more. “And its more than that too. She actually has a list of people I should befriend. As if its just that simple!” She threw her hands in the air in frustration. “Is it so crazy to want to make an actual connection instead of thinking of everything as some strategic maneuver?”
That quickly faded to something more melancholy though. “She doesn’t understand - she can’t. They laugh at me, Zanon. They whisper and laugh and hide their insults behind a smile as if I’m too stupid to know what they’re doing. Even when Imeeya was young, no one thought her dumb. No one would have dared. But with me...” She gave a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make shallow judgements and backhanded compliments. I just want to be seen as more than some foolish child. But it’s like everyone has already made up their mind.”
She rubbed quickly at her eyes, knowing if she kept talking the tears would start. She hated that she was such a crybaby - being so weak unlike her family. Zanon would never fault her for it, but she didn’t want to worry him. Once she started crying, it was all people could seem to focus on. It was hard though, when she felt so hopeless.
“I don’t know what more to do or how to be different. Is it supposed to be so hard, or am I just broken?”
It was tiring, being the black sheep of the family. She loved them dearly, truly she did. But she was different in nearly every way possible. In looks, in temperament, in personality, in demeanor. The only thing she shared with her mother and sister was her intelligence, and even in that she stood apart from her family. She cared little for the politics and advancements that enthralled her sister’s attentions. It was stories that captured her interest - be they from the stories she read or tales regaled by those who lived them.
The comforting gesture of Zan’s hand atop her bowed head offered a quick relief - like removing the lid of a boiling pot. Combined with the affectionate use of his nickname for her, the tension of her body immediately lessened. He understood her struggle intimately, even if perhaps it was different still between brothers.
She looked up at him as he sat back with a groan. “Your leg?” she asked softly, knowing it sometimes bothered him, particularly as the weather grew wetter and colder.
Essa sighed softly. “I try. They’re relentless though. It always ends in them trying to get me to agree to some arrangement I have no interest in.” She leaned back in the chair herself, her gaze shifting towards the ceiling as she tried to gather her thoughts.
“You’re right. Love is different. And I want it more than anything. It just seems so far out of reach. As though it might as well be oceans away.” She straightened slightly, meeting his gaze once more. “And its more than that too. She actually has a list of people I should befriend. As if its just that simple!” She threw her hands in the air in frustration. “Is it so crazy to want to make an actual connection instead of thinking of everything as some strategic maneuver?”
That quickly faded to something more melancholy though. “She doesn’t understand - she can’t. They laugh at me, Zanon. They whisper and laugh and hide their insults behind a smile as if I’m too stupid to know what they’re doing. Even when Imeeya was young, no one thought her dumb. No one would have dared. But with me...” She gave a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make shallow judgements and backhanded compliments. I just want to be seen as more than some foolish child. But it’s like everyone has already made up their mind.”
She rubbed quickly at her eyes, knowing if she kept talking the tears would start. She hated that she was such a crybaby - being so weak unlike her family. Zanon would never fault her for it, but she didn’t want to worry him. Once she started crying, it was all people could seem to focus on. It was hard though, when she felt so hopeless.
“I don’t know what more to do or how to be different. Is it supposed to be so hard, or am I just broken?”
"Almost always these days." Zanon gave a nod in response to Essa's concern for his aching leg. The damn thing didn't give him a moment of peace, even with Ariah's massages. Perhaps it was just the change in the weather, or the stress of his brothers and father being gone, or his wife's condition, but he felt even more helpless than usual.
The distress of his littlest cousin was difficult to watch, but he knew he was one of the few people she could vent to without any kind of consequence. As much as he loved his aunt, Tythra was cut from the same stern cloth of her brother and he'd been on the receiving end and witness to many of his father's scoldings. There was something about the way they could make someone feel their disappointment as if they'd been stabbed without a weapon being drawn, it sent a pang of regret through his chest. Even an ocean away Vangelis could make him feel guilty for having feelings.
He waited as she finished speaking, letting her get everything out before he could even try to parse through what the issue was. With women he'd come to realize that they wouldn't tend to get to the thing that was upsetting them most in the first few remarks. They needed to build until they finally couldn't hold it back any more and then they would speak to what the crux of the matter truly was. For Essa, it seemed a fear of never being able to find love, never getting her mother's approval. It was all masked in a worry that she wasn't cut out for courtly life and an annoyance at the efforts required.
"You aren't broken, never fear that. We just happen to be a bit different than the rest of the family, you and I. Colchian stone is all well and good, but we have the Colchian fire in us. A stone won't budge, but fire can bend and shape, it can live anywhere so long as it is protected, provide heat and light, and give life. It reflects off the stones that stand around it."
Zanon leaned forward to take her hands, brushing at her cheek to wipe away any errant tears that might fall. It wasn't fair that she had to keep her flame hidden, if Essa was given the ability to speak her mind and make her own choices he had no doubt they would be as wise as any other, and with a fresh perspective than what was typically found in the Kotas blood. She could be a queen of unrivaled power if given the right opportunities, or a brilliant general if she'd been born a man.
"Sometimes though, a fire has to smolder a bit. Protect the heat without burning bright. That's where you are right now, and I know it can be frustrating. But if you keep your head down and try not to let things bother you, I promise you'll find what you're looking for."
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"Almost always these days." Zanon gave a nod in response to Essa's concern for his aching leg. The damn thing didn't give him a moment of peace, even with Ariah's massages. Perhaps it was just the change in the weather, or the stress of his brothers and father being gone, or his wife's condition, but he felt even more helpless than usual.
The distress of his littlest cousin was difficult to watch, but he knew he was one of the few people she could vent to without any kind of consequence. As much as he loved his aunt, Tythra was cut from the same stern cloth of her brother and he'd been on the receiving end and witness to many of his father's scoldings. There was something about the way they could make someone feel their disappointment as if they'd been stabbed without a weapon being drawn, it sent a pang of regret through his chest. Even an ocean away Vangelis could make him feel guilty for having feelings.
He waited as she finished speaking, letting her get everything out before he could even try to parse through what the issue was. With women he'd come to realize that they wouldn't tend to get to the thing that was upsetting them most in the first few remarks. They needed to build until they finally couldn't hold it back any more and then they would speak to what the crux of the matter truly was. For Essa, it seemed a fear of never being able to find love, never getting her mother's approval. It was all masked in a worry that she wasn't cut out for courtly life and an annoyance at the efforts required.
"You aren't broken, never fear that. We just happen to be a bit different than the rest of the family, you and I. Colchian stone is all well and good, but we have the Colchian fire in us. A stone won't budge, but fire can bend and shape, it can live anywhere so long as it is protected, provide heat and light, and give life. It reflects off the stones that stand around it."
Zanon leaned forward to take her hands, brushing at her cheek to wipe away any errant tears that might fall. It wasn't fair that she had to keep her flame hidden, if Essa was given the ability to speak her mind and make her own choices he had no doubt they would be as wise as any other, and with a fresh perspective than what was typically found in the Kotas blood. She could be a queen of unrivaled power if given the right opportunities, or a brilliant general if she'd been born a man.
"Sometimes though, a fire has to smolder a bit. Protect the heat without burning bright. That's where you are right now, and I know it can be frustrating. But if you keep your head down and try not to let things bother you, I promise you'll find what you're looking for."
"Almost always these days." Zanon gave a nod in response to Essa's concern for his aching leg. The damn thing didn't give him a moment of peace, even with Ariah's massages. Perhaps it was just the change in the weather, or the stress of his brothers and father being gone, or his wife's condition, but he felt even more helpless than usual.
The distress of his littlest cousin was difficult to watch, but he knew he was one of the few people she could vent to without any kind of consequence. As much as he loved his aunt, Tythra was cut from the same stern cloth of her brother and he'd been on the receiving end and witness to many of his father's scoldings. There was something about the way they could make someone feel their disappointment as if they'd been stabbed without a weapon being drawn, it sent a pang of regret through his chest. Even an ocean away Vangelis could make him feel guilty for having feelings.
He waited as she finished speaking, letting her get everything out before he could even try to parse through what the issue was. With women he'd come to realize that they wouldn't tend to get to the thing that was upsetting them most in the first few remarks. They needed to build until they finally couldn't hold it back any more and then they would speak to what the crux of the matter truly was. For Essa, it seemed a fear of never being able to find love, never getting her mother's approval. It was all masked in a worry that she wasn't cut out for courtly life and an annoyance at the efforts required.
"You aren't broken, never fear that. We just happen to be a bit different than the rest of the family, you and I. Colchian stone is all well and good, but we have the Colchian fire in us. A stone won't budge, but fire can bend and shape, it can live anywhere so long as it is protected, provide heat and light, and give life. It reflects off the stones that stand around it."
Zanon leaned forward to take her hands, brushing at her cheek to wipe away any errant tears that might fall. It wasn't fair that she had to keep her flame hidden, if Essa was given the ability to speak her mind and make her own choices he had no doubt they would be as wise as any other, and with a fresh perspective than what was typically found in the Kotas blood. She could be a queen of unrivaled power if given the right opportunities, or a brilliant general if she'd been born a man.
"Sometimes though, a fire has to smolder a bit. Protect the heat without burning bright. That's where you are right now, and I know it can be frustrating. But if you keep your head down and try not to let things bother you, I promise you'll find what you're looking for."
Essa’s brow creased in concern as he admitted his leg ached near constantly. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to live with such pain. She felt badly for him, but knew he hated to have attention dwell on his injury. It couldn’t be that much different than how she felt when her mother lectured her for the hundredth time on her failings. No one loved to have their weaknesses endlessly pointed out to them. So she simply nodded and said nothing more on the subject. She couldn’t offer help in any sort of meaningful way, so better to just let it go.
She gave him an exasperated look as he insisted that she wasn’t broken. It was only from Zanon that she could half believe it. After all, as he said, they were cut from the same cloth of a sorts. His words made sense to her, yet something kept her from feeling any relief. “And if a flame isn’t protected... it’s extinguished,” she whispered softly, even as he reached for her, brushing away her tears and taking her hands in his.
Essa couldn’t quite silence the thought that her mother might be more comfortable with cold ashes than the faintest flicker of a flame.
Zanon always seemed to have such faith in her, even when she couldn’t at all fathom just what it was that he saw in her. After all, no one else seemed to see the same potential. Her mother’s idea of potential was essentially reforging her entirely. Everyone else scarcely noticed her, or at least tired of her quickly. Her own sister had little patience for her more often than not.
It just felt so hopeless.
His words struck a chord within her. It was exactly how it felt right now. Like she was caught in between. Not yet a flame, yet certainly not stone like everyone else around her. She didn’t feel as though she belonged anywhere at all. She had so many questions, so many doubts. But how to voice them. Even here, with the one person she knew would never scold her for speaking her mind, it was difficult to say the words aloud. When at last she did speak, her voice was so terribly small and vulnerable, as though waiting to be stamped out entirely.
“How can you be so sure? How can I not care that everyone I love wants me to be anything but what I actually am?”
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Essa’s brow creased in concern as he admitted his leg ached near constantly. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to live with such pain. She felt badly for him, but knew he hated to have attention dwell on his injury. It couldn’t be that much different than how she felt when her mother lectured her for the hundredth time on her failings. No one loved to have their weaknesses endlessly pointed out to them. So she simply nodded and said nothing more on the subject. She couldn’t offer help in any sort of meaningful way, so better to just let it go.
She gave him an exasperated look as he insisted that she wasn’t broken. It was only from Zanon that she could half believe it. After all, as he said, they were cut from the same cloth of a sorts. His words made sense to her, yet something kept her from feeling any relief. “And if a flame isn’t protected... it’s extinguished,” she whispered softly, even as he reached for her, brushing away her tears and taking her hands in his.
Essa couldn’t quite silence the thought that her mother might be more comfortable with cold ashes than the faintest flicker of a flame.
Zanon always seemed to have such faith in her, even when she couldn’t at all fathom just what it was that he saw in her. After all, no one else seemed to see the same potential. Her mother’s idea of potential was essentially reforging her entirely. Everyone else scarcely noticed her, or at least tired of her quickly. Her own sister had little patience for her more often than not.
It just felt so hopeless.
His words struck a chord within her. It was exactly how it felt right now. Like she was caught in between. Not yet a flame, yet certainly not stone like everyone else around her. She didn’t feel as though she belonged anywhere at all. She had so many questions, so many doubts. But how to voice them. Even here, with the one person she knew would never scold her for speaking her mind, it was difficult to say the words aloud. When at last she did speak, her voice was so terribly small and vulnerable, as though waiting to be stamped out entirely.
“How can you be so sure? How can I not care that everyone I love wants me to be anything but what I actually am?”
Essa’s brow creased in concern as he admitted his leg ached near constantly. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to live with such pain. She felt badly for him, but knew he hated to have attention dwell on his injury. It couldn’t be that much different than how she felt when her mother lectured her for the hundredth time on her failings. No one loved to have their weaknesses endlessly pointed out to them. So she simply nodded and said nothing more on the subject. She couldn’t offer help in any sort of meaningful way, so better to just let it go.
She gave him an exasperated look as he insisted that she wasn’t broken. It was only from Zanon that she could half believe it. After all, as he said, they were cut from the same cloth of a sorts. His words made sense to her, yet something kept her from feeling any relief. “And if a flame isn’t protected... it’s extinguished,” she whispered softly, even as he reached for her, brushing away her tears and taking her hands in his.
Essa couldn’t quite silence the thought that her mother might be more comfortable with cold ashes than the faintest flicker of a flame.
Zanon always seemed to have such faith in her, even when she couldn’t at all fathom just what it was that he saw in her. After all, no one else seemed to see the same potential. Her mother’s idea of potential was essentially reforging her entirely. Everyone else scarcely noticed her, or at least tired of her quickly. Her own sister had little patience for her more often than not.
It just felt so hopeless.
His words struck a chord within her. It was exactly how it felt right now. Like she was caught in between. Not yet a flame, yet certainly not stone like everyone else around her. She didn’t feel as though she belonged anywhere at all. She had so many questions, so many doubts. But how to voice them. Even here, with the one person she knew would never scold her for speaking her mind, it was difficult to say the words aloud. When at last she did speak, her voice was so terribly small and vulnerable, as though waiting to be stamped out entirely.
“How can you be so sure? How can I not care that everyone I love wants me to be anything but what I actually am?”
"Your flame is protected. I am here, and Evras. We will keep you well sheltered."
Zanon smiled at his young cousin, feeling a sympathy for her but knowing few ways to mend the ache in her heart. With a sigh he sat back, steepling his fingers before him as he thought for a long moment, injured leg stretched out before him beneath the desk. With the fragile state of Evras' pregnancy, the upcoming departure of Dion to the mines, and his added pressures as being his mother's right hand man during her regency he hated the thought of his wife being alone. Perhaps a break would be what Essa needed to feel as if she could soar.
As if to prove his thought correct her voice was so small and weak as she spoke again, questioning his certainty and that was all the proof he needed. Shaking his head, Zanon held up a hand to stop her, looking at her with his voice firm. "Not everyone. But sometimes those we love most are the ones that can wound us most." His thoughts flashed to his last exchange with Vangelis and his heart gave a pang of sorrow. A letter had been sent to his brother with a request to speak with him, and a hope that they might love one another still. As stubborn as they both were, he knew he would have to be the one to bend to his elder brother yet again.
"Dion is going to be starting his time in the mines soon. And Evras is with child, but since mother and I are busy with the handling of country matters she will soon be too often alone." He leaned forward to catch his cousin's eye as he made the offer, gauging her reaction with a hopeful glint in his eye. "Would you come stay with us for a while? It would do her good to have someone she enjoys so much in the house, to distract her from Dion being gone."
He would be thrilled with the addition as well, their home was already like a ghost town without his father and three brothers. Essa as a cheery addition would help brighten the halls once more after his son descended into the mines for his six month stint. Even if she didn't stay the whole time, it was becoming clear that she could use time away from her mother and sister and their ambitions.
"Come stay with us for a while, I can write your mother now if you like and you can take the note back to her." Zanon pulled a piece of parchment out, ready to draft a message to his Aunt Tythra and considering how best to phrase his request for her youngest to be part of his household for a while. Certainly keeping Evras company was a good reason, but if he spun it in a way of getting a first hand look at how to be a royal wife, the duties needed in a daily span, as good education for the girl that might sway them all the more.
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"Your flame is protected. I am here, and Evras. We will keep you well sheltered."
Zanon smiled at his young cousin, feeling a sympathy for her but knowing few ways to mend the ache in her heart. With a sigh he sat back, steepling his fingers before him as he thought for a long moment, injured leg stretched out before him beneath the desk. With the fragile state of Evras' pregnancy, the upcoming departure of Dion to the mines, and his added pressures as being his mother's right hand man during her regency he hated the thought of his wife being alone. Perhaps a break would be what Essa needed to feel as if she could soar.
As if to prove his thought correct her voice was so small and weak as she spoke again, questioning his certainty and that was all the proof he needed. Shaking his head, Zanon held up a hand to stop her, looking at her with his voice firm. "Not everyone. But sometimes those we love most are the ones that can wound us most." His thoughts flashed to his last exchange with Vangelis and his heart gave a pang of sorrow. A letter had been sent to his brother with a request to speak with him, and a hope that they might love one another still. As stubborn as they both were, he knew he would have to be the one to bend to his elder brother yet again.
"Dion is going to be starting his time in the mines soon. And Evras is with child, but since mother and I are busy with the handling of country matters she will soon be too often alone." He leaned forward to catch his cousin's eye as he made the offer, gauging her reaction with a hopeful glint in his eye. "Would you come stay with us for a while? It would do her good to have someone she enjoys so much in the house, to distract her from Dion being gone."
He would be thrilled with the addition as well, their home was already like a ghost town without his father and three brothers. Essa as a cheery addition would help brighten the halls once more after his son descended into the mines for his six month stint. Even if she didn't stay the whole time, it was becoming clear that she could use time away from her mother and sister and their ambitions.
"Come stay with us for a while, I can write your mother now if you like and you can take the note back to her." Zanon pulled a piece of parchment out, ready to draft a message to his Aunt Tythra and considering how best to phrase his request for her youngest to be part of his household for a while. Certainly keeping Evras company was a good reason, but if he spun it in a way of getting a first hand look at how to be a royal wife, the duties needed in a daily span, as good education for the girl that might sway them all the more.
"Your flame is protected. I am here, and Evras. We will keep you well sheltered."
Zanon smiled at his young cousin, feeling a sympathy for her but knowing few ways to mend the ache in her heart. With a sigh he sat back, steepling his fingers before him as he thought for a long moment, injured leg stretched out before him beneath the desk. With the fragile state of Evras' pregnancy, the upcoming departure of Dion to the mines, and his added pressures as being his mother's right hand man during her regency he hated the thought of his wife being alone. Perhaps a break would be what Essa needed to feel as if she could soar.
As if to prove his thought correct her voice was so small and weak as she spoke again, questioning his certainty and that was all the proof he needed. Shaking his head, Zanon held up a hand to stop her, looking at her with his voice firm. "Not everyone. But sometimes those we love most are the ones that can wound us most." His thoughts flashed to his last exchange with Vangelis and his heart gave a pang of sorrow. A letter had been sent to his brother with a request to speak with him, and a hope that they might love one another still. As stubborn as they both were, he knew he would have to be the one to bend to his elder brother yet again.
"Dion is going to be starting his time in the mines soon. And Evras is with child, but since mother and I are busy with the handling of country matters she will soon be too often alone." He leaned forward to catch his cousin's eye as he made the offer, gauging her reaction with a hopeful glint in his eye. "Would you come stay with us for a while? It would do her good to have someone she enjoys so much in the house, to distract her from Dion being gone."
He would be thrilled with the addition as well, their home was already like a ghost town without his father and three brothers. Essa as a cheery addition would help brighten the halls once more after his son descended into the mines for his six month stint. Even if she didn't stay the whole time, it was becoming clear that she could use time away from her mother and sister and their ambitions.
"Come stay with us for a while, I can write your mother now if you like and you can take the note back to her." Zanon pulled a piece of parchment out, ready to draft a message to his Aunt Tythra and considering how best to phrase his request for her youngest to be part of his household for a while. Certainly keeping Evras company was a good reason, but if he spun it in a way of getting a first hand look at how to be a royal wife, the duties needed in a daily span, as good education for the girl that might sway them all the more.
Essa smiled at his reassurance, but it was a weak one, faltering at that. She knew that she could count on Zanon and his wife both. They understood her sensitive soul in a way the rest of their families could not. “Sometimes I wish I had been born your daughter,” she said with a soft sigh, barely realizing she had said the words aloud. She loved her family, there was no doubting that. And she held great pride in being a Drakos. Yet... she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was somehow defective when she stood next to her mother and sister. Like a kitten among dragons.
They both fell quiet for a long moment until she finally found both the words and the courage to ask what haunted her most. He held a hand up to silence her, a simple but effective gesture. He both corrected her and validated her all at once, agreeing that those who mattered most also wounded the deepest while in the same breath assuring her that however it might feel, there were still those on her side.
Her face fell at the remember that Dion was about to venture into the mines. They might technically be cousins, but Essa viewed him more as a brother. They’d practically been raised alongside each other after all. She knew he was strong enough to survive, but that did little to ease the worry. The mines were a dangerous place by nature. Anything could happen in their depths. He spoke of Evras as well, largely confined to her bed for the sake of the baby. She was about to say that she had just visited with her and planned to again soon, but what came next stunned her.
Yet shocked as she was, there was no denying the way her eyes lit up at the suggestion. “Could I?” she whispered, hope thick in her breathless voice. “Oh Zanon, would you really?” She bounced slightly in her seat, excitement growing within her chest. “I would love that,” she gushed eagerly. Spending time with Evras felt like a dream, and the opportunity to spend more time with her favorite cousin only sweetened the pot all the more. She knew he would be busy with everyone away, but she’d see him far more this way than if she stayed at her own home.
“Do you think Mama will really agree?”
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Essa smiled at his reassurance, but it was a weak one, faltering at that. She knew that she could count on Zanon and his wife both. They understood her sensitive soul in a way the rest of their families could not. “Sometimes I wish I had been born your daughter,” she said with a soft sigh, barely realizing she had said the words aloud. She loved her family, there was no doubting that. And she held great pride in being a Drakos. Yet... she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was somehow defective when she stood next to her mother and sister. Like a kitten among dragons.
They both fell quiet for a long moment until she finally found both the words and the courage to ask what haunted her most. He held a hand up to silence her, a simple but effective gesture. He both corrected her and validated her all at once, agreeing that those who mattered most also wounded the deepest while in the same breath assuring her that however it might feel, there were still those on her side.
Her face fell at the remember that Dion was about to venture into the mines. They might technically be cousins, but Essa viewed him more as a brother. They’d practically been raised alongside each other after all. She knew he was strong enough to survive, but that did little to ease the worry. The mines were a dangerous place by nature. Anything could happen in their depths. He spoke of Evras as well, largely confined to her bed for the sake of the baby. She was about to say that she had just visited with her and planned to again soon, but what came next stunned her.
Yet shocked as she was, there was no denying the way her eyes lit up at the suggestion. “Could I?” she whispered, hope thick in her breathless voice. “Oh Zanon, would you really?” She bounced slightly in her seat, excitement growing within her chest. “I would love that,” she gushed eagerly. Spending time with Evras felt like a dream, and the opportunity to spend more time with her favorite cousin only sweetened the pot all the more. She knew he would be busy with everyone away, but she’d see him far more this way than if she stayed at her own home.
“Do you think Mama will really agree?”
Essa smiled at his reassurance, but it was a weak one, faltering at that. She knew that she could count on Zanon and his wife both. They understood her sensitive soul in a way the rest of their families could not. “Sometimes I wish I had been born your daughter,” she said with a soft sigh, barely realizing she had said the words aloud. She loved her family, there was no doubting that. And she held great pride in being a Drakos. Yet... she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was somehow defective when she stood next to her mother and sister. Like a kitten among dragons.
They both fell quiet for a long moment until she finally found both the words and the courage to ask what haunted her most. He held a hand up to silence her, a simple but effective gesture. He both corrected her and validated her all at once, agreeing that those who mattered most also wounded the deepest while in the same breath assuring her that however it might feel, there were still those on her side.
Her face fell at the remember that Dion was about to venture into the mines. They might technically be cousins, but Essa viewed him more as a brother. They’d practically been raised alongside each other after all. She knew he was strong enough to survive, but that did little to ease the worry. The mines were a dangerous place by nature. Anything could happen in their depths. He spoke of Evras as well, largely confined to her bed for the sake of the baby. She was about to say that she had just visited with her and planned to again soon, but what came next stunned her.
Yet shocked as she was, there was no denying the way her eyes lit up at the suggestion. “Could I?” she whispered, hope thick in her breathless voice. “Oh Zanon, would you really?” She bounced slightly in her seat, excitement growing within her chest. “I would love that,” she gushed eagerly. Spending time with Evras felt like a dream, and the opportunity to spend more time with her favorite cousin only sweetened the pot all the more. She knew he would be busy with everyone away, but she’d see him far more this way than if she stayed at her own home.
