I made a mistake.
I know, diary, you’re shocked. I never make mistakes. Okay, enough with the sarcasm. You know I’ll always be truthful to you. (Honestly, if I can’t be honest to a journal, can I be honest to anyone?)
I went to a tavern, which is so incredibly unlike me. I took a servant with me at least, so there’s something within my character. There was a girl there, a bard. She told the most amazing stories, diary. Just like the ones in my novels! But they were different, unique! And the way she spoke was just captivating.
But then I went completely out of character. I was caught up in the moment, maybe. Or perhaps I was captivated by a siren on land. I kissed her. And at the time I enjoyed it. But the moment we split, I felt my stomach twist. Why did we kiss? Did I do that because I wanted to… or because someone was giving me attention? She seemed to kind on the surface!
And as my mind usually does, it went down a dark spiral. She knew I was a Lady at first glance. She spoke to me before the whispers filled the tavern. It’s Lord Fotios’s daughter, they said. For someone such as I who oft goes unnoticed, when I am noticed it is always so inopportune, I swear it.
What if she only gave me attention because I am a Lady Leventi? What if she desired the coin that I have? I don’t know, and I won’t ever know. We were set to meet at the bathhouses, where there would be little people there to witness us. But when we split… I instead came here. I returned home and immediately came for you, diary.
As I think back to this experience, I don’t know if I enjoyed it. Her lips were soft, and the experience was… exciting. But I know that this was wrong, diary. Not because she is a woman or a commoner, but because… she did not know me. In my books, a true romance comes from experiencing the world together. This wasn’t romantic. This was… lust. And for me who wants love, and joy, and happiness… I tumbled into something that was never meant for me.
Was I used? What if she saw me in that tavern, vulnerable and alone with only a servant to keep me company. I am plain, and she was gorgeous. She likely could have any man or woman she wished.
I made a mistake in kissing her, diary. I was foolish, and this experience was further proof that I… am lacking in so many ways. I threw my heart away the moment someone gazed at me for more than a moment. I allowed myself to blindly follow a woman because she had a nice smile and alluring words. And because of this… I hurt myself. I truly, deeply feel a stabbing in my chest that I can’t even explain. I am… a failure. Again.
|